if everything happens for a reason, did i get a cold just so that with the only company of a glass of tap water and a couple of pills, i am reminded i am all alone. if every sin is to be punished, is it a crime to be happy, therefore it should be seized away? if time has ever for once fallen in love, perhaps it would slow down its pace a bit, just for its own sake...
i was once so happy at my 18. the whole year just seemed ridiculously flawless, simple yet beautiful. it was a year that i had both freedom and love. i was so well protected from any forms of constraints that could possibly be imposed on a human being. perhaps therefore,  the love was pure. at the time, i had all my faith in everlasting love, creating my own homey family, then live happily thereafter. just like the fairytale. now i am growing into 21, i really dont have a clue that, since when, have i become such a sulking and pathetic individual. sulking in a pessimistic way and pathetic in a realistic way. i no longer wanna grow up. as scary as it may sound, if anyone is to categorise me into either child or adult, i would use up all my energy to sqeeze myself into being child again. with the most naive view about the world, living days as they go by. it feels that i am a different person now. i have started to hate this current me. so messed up n lost. i am materialistic, greedy and empty. if the shape of one's soul can ever be revealed, mine must be very hideous.
yumyumtin sent me his friend's blog 2 me few days ago, who is in the painful agony of break-up. his blog seems 2 have partially brought back the previous me...i was nearly flooded with tears to meet the ex-me. the girl who had no taste of make-up on her face, the girl who didn't have the need 2 take her purse with her when she went out, the girl who was happy enough 2 make her own sandwich 4 lunch everyday....what am i now? trapped in the infernal world? everyday,  i spend considerable time on internship application for investment banks, which might kill my soul altogether in the end. yet sacastically, my dream was always 2 be a pleasant housewife. i am so divided, as if i am living two people's life at different stage of my life...there's a telephone interview with hsbc tomorrow lunch time, i should really be preparing for that. however, i am on blog..f**k
buigie said i am spoiled, i admit. so i shall start looking for the ex-me. i will pick up where the ex-me wins over the present me. but what if the present me dominates in the way my brain works.....it would be the saddest turning point in my life to tell my kids that:
love fades away as the passion burns out..
creating family is suicidal as two people in love are so occupied that they wont have space for love.
happiness doens't last, let alone happy life thereafter..
i am grapping the ex-me tightly. i need to hold onto her.... i need her back so desperately!
may i be saved from the demon!